Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
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Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
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I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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