we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Also, yes, I look pretty rough. But my ovaries fought back this morning so getting dressed decently was not a priority.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
