Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
