It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
