i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Taljing aboutpenisrs w gerruly ska pops
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
