There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
