her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
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Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
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MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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