How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
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