so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
Randomize
