Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
These People Made Expensive Mistakes That They’ll Regret Forever
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Things The Opposite Sex Just Doesn’t Understand
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work