You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.