you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO