Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize