new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
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I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
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Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra