Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
25 Men Confess The Moment They Knew They Wanted To Marry Their Wife
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You Wouldn’t Guess That These 25 Celebrities Are Complete A**holes
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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