I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.