I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
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Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
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I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight