My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
I'm getting married
To pizza
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
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