I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
Randomize
