I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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