Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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