ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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