I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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