ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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