I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
