Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
Randomize
