Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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