So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
