we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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