drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Couch. On fire.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize