You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
