I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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