you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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