I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
Randomize
