I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I cut my penus on the lid.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Randomize
