I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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