Umm I'm too high to move.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Randomize
