once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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