i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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