I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
