I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize
