apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
