Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
fuck your aforementioned shoe
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
23 Men Confess The Moment They Realized They Wanted A Divorce
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
The 23 Most Inappropriate Things To Happen At A Funeral
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that