She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
