i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..