we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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