I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
You need Xanax blowdarts
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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