I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Randomize
