seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I am morally bankrupt
4 words: hood of his car
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.