Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
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I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
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I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.