Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Randomize
