his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Randomize
