i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
