Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
They are going to name an STD after you.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
