all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
