i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
