I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..
this can't be going anywhere good
nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
Randomize