we're chasing vodka with high fives
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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