apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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