i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Randomize
