did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
