Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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