This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
They should really pass out barf bags in church
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
